Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Pooping to opera.
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