we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
