1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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