I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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