i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
