im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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