If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
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