dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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