dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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