Say something about gay babies.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
