my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
