She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Can you bring me the toilet please
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
