Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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