Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
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