In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
