this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
