He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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