The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
