I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
