we're chasing vodka with high fives
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
