Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
