look no pants
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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