I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
