Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
