Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
My vagina is very pro this idea
Nobody cheats on THIS.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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