There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
