in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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