I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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