I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
