I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
