I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I am one with the molecules
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
