The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
