Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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