And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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