I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
