I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
