White coat. Heels.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
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