sorry about calling you the devil all night.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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