I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
