You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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