I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
