I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
