Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
