My hand turned me down
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
