Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Dignity is for republicans.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize