yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
