I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
