All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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