I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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