omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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