i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
